prompted by love

i thank God for e wk tt juz passed by man..haha..for many reasons..i realised tt as i drew nearer to Him, he reveal more about myself, my weaknesses not tt kind that 'hey marc, u cannot make it man' but i sense peace and gladness as i gained a deeper insight who i really am..have a better sense of being..

in discipleship, i realised tt i dun speak e truth most of e time, ignorant/insecure to do so..lack patience n dun listen enough..where have my values gone to? in repentance as well, though it is so basic and fundamental, i dun practise at times n rationalises thinking some sins are worse than the rest..despite being a 5-yr believer..tis is among many other areas God has been really doing deep surgery man..as he purify and de-construct my uunderstanding tt is so self-centred,absorbed and flawed..displeasing in His eyes..

to me, studies are reali secondary man..not tt i totally dun care but i'm scared n concerned what is to come after grad..how long can i survive as a believer? not juz struggling merely but want to be strong and steady, not being wavered easily..it's only 7 more mths man..time is reali not on my side and there is juz so much tt i want to grow and do for God..haiz..kinda regretted tt i should 've been more opportunistic n eager to seek God e last 2 yrs..i could 've enjoyed my uni days better w more joy being spirit-filled..

but reali encouraged how he has brought me tis far..i have come to realise,accept and understand why God allows me to do so badly last sem..it's to bring me back to him once again..for too long a time, i have focused too much on wanting to excel in my studies..too caught up,brooded up..can be so proud n self-seeking over wat i have done for God winning so many souls..boastful..oh man..how could i be like dat a yr back? lacking trust in his promises n reali juz been a mediocre infant man..yearning for affirmation and approval from ppl so much..i have missed the point

but he is always patient and gracious with me..he waits for me, always by my side though i refused to see him at times..in him, he allows things n ppl in my path to happen/cross in e hope tt i can focus back unto him..still distracted n affected so much by circumstances..negative,depresseed..it hurts him to see me behaving tis way..wat should i do?

as i fell time n time again esp mar-sep tis period of e yr..grades slipped,feel like leaving,attachment so xiong,matric events n planning xiong oso,old issues come back again,tt's juz so much dirt,pain,times i struggle so much,keep on repeating mistakes i made again n again..never come to understand..but he is always there to comfort me and gives me e strength n power to move forward,persevere..

wat i can say more? he is reali the God of Jacob, despite a chap like me so emotional/super mel n feeling,unworthy,normal,prideful,simple,quiet n easily depressed guy being loved by him so much tt he dies for me n gives me ppl who r after his heartbeat to take care of me? who am i to deserve this? my life is yrs Lord use it to glorify yr name watever humanly possible i w'd give my best though it'd mean giving up more rights, taking risks man,being stressed n not enough sleep,rushing all e time, i'd do it Lord..you juz do e rest tt u noe it's best for me to go..

Phil 3:12-13
"not tt i have already achieved all this, or have already been made perfect, but i press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. brothers, i do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. but one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, i press on toward the goal to win the prize, for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."